Unresolved Past Trauma

Unresolved trauma, whether it stems from childhood or previous relationships, can profoundly affect a romantic relationship. Trauma survivors may struggle with trust, emotional vulnerability, and intimacy, which can lead to conflicts or emotional distance in a partnership. Trauma-focused therapy is often necessary to address these deep-seated issues, as couples need to understand how past experiences are shaping present behaviors. As trauma expert Dr. Bessel van der Kolk explains, “Trauma leaves traces on the mind, emotions, and body, and these traces often influence how we relate to others.”

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When one or both partners have unresolved trauma, therapy often focuses on identifying the trauma’s effects on the relationship. Symptoms like hypervigilance, avoidance, or emotional numbing can interfere with the couple’s ability to connect. Couples may find themselves trapped in cycles where one partner feels overwhelmed or triggered while the other feels shut out or rejected. In therapy, the goal is to build awareness of these triggers and patterns, allowing both partners to approach them with empathy rather than frustration.

Dr. Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can be particularly helpful in addressing trauma within relationships. Johnson emphasizes creating a secure emotional connection, where both partners feel safe to express their vulnerabilities. “When couples can turn to each other for support in the face of past trauma, they can heal not only the relationship but also the trauma itself,” Johnson notes.

Trauma-informed couples therapy often incorporates techniques for emotional regulation and grounding. Partners are taught how to recognize and respond to trauma-related behaviors compassionately, without escalating the situation. Dr. van der Kolk stresses the importance of creating safety: “Trauma survivors need to feel physically and emotionally safe in their relationship in order to heal.”

Another key element of trauma therapy is helping the non-traumatized partner understand the trauma’s impact. This might involve learning about trauma responses, such as fight, flight, or freeze, and developing strategies to support the survivor without enabling harmful behaviors. Communication is crucial—both partners must be able to discuss their needs and boundaries openly.

Healing from trauma within a relationship is possible, but it requires patience, empathy, and professional guidance. Couples therapy provides a supportive space to address unresolved trauma, allowing both partners to build a stronger, more resilient relationship.