Sexual Frequency Discrepancy

A common issue couples face is a discrepancy in sexual desire—where one partner wants sex more frequently than the other. This mismatch can lead to frustration, feelings of rejection, or pressure, causing strain in the relationship. As Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of Come As You Are, explains, “Sexual desire isn’t static, and it’s natural for couples to have different levels of desire at different times. The key is communication and finding a way to bridge that gap.”

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In therapy, couples are encouraged to discuss their sexual needs and desires openly. Dr. Sue Johnson emphasizes that “sexual intimacy is deeply connected to emotional intimacy. When couples feel emotionally secure and connected, their sexual connection often improves.” A therapist can help couples understand the emotional underpinnings of their sexual relationship and how to nurture both aspects of their bond.

It’s also important to recognize that sexual desire can fluctuate due to stress, hormonal changes, physical health, or mental health issues. Therapy can help identify these underlying causes and offer strategies for managing them. For example, a therapist might suggest scheduling intimate time together, which may feel counterintuitive but can help create anticipation and lower the pressure for spontaneous sex.

Therapists also guide couples in managing expectations. One partner may feel rejected if their desire is not reciprocated, while the other may feel pressured or overwhelmed by their partner’s expectations. Dr. Laura Berman advises couples to “focus on quality rather than quantity. It’s not about how often you have sex, but how connected and fulfilled you feel when you do.”

Ultimately, resolving sexual frequency discrepancies requires open communication, empathy, and compromise. Therapy can help couples create a sexual relationship that works for both partners, deepening their emotional and physical connection.