Infidelity and Affairs

Infidelity can be devastating to a relationship, often leaving deep emotional scars. When a partner discovers an affair, feelings of betrayal, anger, and sadness can feel overwhelming. According to Dr. Esther Perel, infidelity is often less about sex and more about desire—“a desire for attention, newness, or a deeper connection that may have been missing in the relationship.” However, understanding why the affair happened is only part of the healing process.

WATCH THE VIDEO

In couples therapy, dealing with infidelity requires both partners to be fully committed to the repair process. The partner who had the affair must take full responsibility for their actions and be prepared to answer difficult questions openly. Perel emphasizes, “Transparency is essential for rebuilding trust, but honesty must be accompanied by empathy and remorse.” Without genuine remorse, the healing process may stall.

Therapists often start by addressing the emotional fallout. The betrayed partner is encouraged to express their feelings of hurt, anger, and confusion, while the partner who cheated must listen without becoming defensive. Dr. John Gottman advises couples to engage in what he calls “attunement” conversations, where both partners work to truly understand the emotions beneath the betrayal.

The couple must also work on rebuilding trust. This can involve setting clear boundaries, including complete transparency about communication with others, especially if the affair was with a known person. Gottman’s research shows that couples who successfully recover from infidelity often emerge stronger, having used the crisis as a turning point for deeper intimacy and connection.

Ultimately, recovering from infidelity requires patience, empathy, and a willingness to do the hard work of healing. With professional guidance, many couples are able to rebuild their relationship and even forge a stronger bond than before the betrayal.