Household Responsibilities

Disagreements over household responsibilities are a common source of conflict in relationships. When one partner feels that they are carrying an unfair burden of chores or domestic tasks, it can lead to resentment, frustration, and a sense of inequality. Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert on relationships, found in his research that “couples who share household responsibilities more equally tend to have stronger, more satisfying relationships.” He emphasizes that the division of labor within the home is often less about the actual tasks and more about fairness and appreciation.

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Couples who struggle with household responsibilities often have different expectations about how much work each partner should contribute. These expectations can be influenced by upbringing, gender roles, or personal habits. Therapy helps couples explore these expectations and come to a mutual understanding. One effective technique is the use of a “chore chart” or division of labor conversation, where couples can openly discuss what tasks they are comfortable taking on and what areas need more balance.

Dr. Gottman advises that partners approach the conversation about household duties with empathy and curiosity. “Rather than accusing your partner of not doing enough, ask how you can both support each other better. The goal is to work as a team, not as adversaries.” It’s also important to recognize and appreciate the efforts both partners are making, even if those efforts aren’t always visible.

Therapists also encourage couples to consider each other’s time and energy levels. If one partner works longer hours outside the home, it may make sense for the other to take on more household tasks. However, this division should still feel fair to both parties. Relationship coach Esther Perel suggests that couples “regularly check in with each other about how the division of labor is working. What may feel fair during one stage of the relationship may need to be adjusted as circumstances change.”

Ultimately, resolving conflicts over household responsibilities requires open communication, flexibility, and a willingness to work together. With the help of therapy, couples can create a system that feels fair, reduces tension, and strengthens their partnership.