Extended Family Issues

Navigating relationships with extended family can be a significant source of tension for couples. Whether it’s conflicts with in-laws, boundary-setting issues, or differing expectations about family involvement, extended family dynamics can create stress and strain in a marriage or partnership. According to family therapist Dr. Deborah Luepnitz, “Extended family issues are often about boundaries and loyalty. Couples must learn to balance their loyalty to each other with their responsibilities to their families of origin.”

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One of the most common sources of conflict is differing expectations around how much time to spend with extended family, especially around holidays or special events. One partner may feel obligated to prioritize their family, while the other feels neglected or resentful. Dr. John Gottman advises that “the key to handling these conflicts is mutual respect and compromise.” Couples therapy can help partners express their needs and concerns about family involvement and work toward a compromise that makes both feel valued.

Another frequent issue is in-law interference. Some couples struggle with parents or siblings who are overly involved in their relationship, offering unsolicited advice or criticizing one partner. Therapist Dr. Terri Apter suggests that “setting clear boundaries is essential for maintaining the couple’s emotional autonomy.” In therapy, couples can work on defining these boundaries and establishing clear, respectful ways to communicate them to extended family members.

One technique therapists use is helping couples align on their priorities as a unit. Dr. Harriet Lerner emphasizes that couples must adopt a “united front” when it comes to family-related conflicts. “When a couple presents a unified stance to their extended families, it reduces triangulation and prevents family members from driving a wedge between partners.”

Therapy also encourages partners to empathize with each other’s family dynamics. Often, frustrations arise because one partner doesn’t fully understand the cultural or emotional importance of family traditions or relationships. By discussing these differences openly in therapy, couples can gain greater empathy and find ways to support each other in navigating extended family relationships.

Ultimately, extended family issues can be resolved by setting healthy boundaries, fostering open communication, and working together as a team. Therapy can help couples strengthen their relationship and manage family conflicts with more understanding and respect.