Divorce or Separation Decisions

Deciding whether to divorce or separate is one of the most difficult choices a couple can face. When a relationship is filled with conflict, emotional distance, or dissatisfaction, couples may feel torn between trying to repair the relationship and moving on. As therapist and divorce mediator Dr. Susan Pease Gadoua explains, “The decision to divorce or stay together is a complex emotional and practical process that requires deep reflection and honest conversations.”

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One of the primary goals of therapy for couples considering divorce is to explore whether the relationship can be saved. Therapists often encourage couples to look beyond their current pain or frustration and assess whether there is still a foundation of love, respect, and shared values. Dr. John Gottman’s research on “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) suggests that if these negative communication patterns dominate the relationship, it may be in serious trouble. However, with therapy, couples can learn healthier ways to communicate and resolve conflicts.

A key aspect of therapy during this decision-making process is understanding the root causes of dissatisfaction. Is the relationship struggling due to external stressors like financial problems or parenting conflicts, or is there a deeper emotional disconnect? Therapists help couples explore these issues in depth, often encouraging them to focus on the underlying emotions rather than surface-level arguments.

If divorce is on the table, therapists guide couples in making the decision with clarity and mutual respect. Dr. Gottman advises that couples engage in “structured conversations” where they express their needs and fears about separation or staying together. These conversations help couples navigate the emotional and practical complexities of divorce, such as co-parenting, finances, and future communication.

For some couples, therapy can lead to reconciliation. But in cases where the relationship cannot be repaired, therapy can still provide a compassionate space for partners to separate amicably, minimizing the emotional toll on both parties and any children involved.

Ultimately, therapy offers a path toward clarity, whether the couple chooses to stay together or move forward with a divorce. With professional guidance, couples can make the decision that best aligns with their emotional well-being and future goals.