Conflict Resolution

Every couple faces conflict, but how they handle it determines the health of their relationship. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman says, “It’s not whether you fight but how you fight that matters.” In fact, Gottman’s research reveals that successful couples aren’t conflict-free but are able to manage disagreements in ways that don’t damage the relationship.

WATCH THE VIDEO

One of the first steps in conflict resolution is recognizing harmful patterns. Dr. Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), identifies negative cycles like the “demand-withdraw” pattern, where one partner pushes for change while the other withdraws or shuts down. This dynamic can lead to unresolved resentment and disconnection.

In therapy, couples are encouraged to approach conflict with curiosity rather than defensiveness. Gottman’s advice is to “soften your startup,” meaning that couples should begin discussions without criticism or blame. Starting a conversation with, “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always…” sets a constructive tone. It’s also essential to avoid the “Four Horsemen” of relationship breakdowns: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, all of which escalate conflict instead of resolving it.

Therapists often teach couples practical techniques such as time-outs. When conflicts escalate, taking a short break can help both partners cool down and approach the issue more rationally. Another technique is practicing active listening. Instead of thinking about how to defend your position, focus on truly understanding your partner’s feelings and perspective. As relationship coach Harville Hendrix says, “The biggest issue in relationships is the inability to truly hear and empathize with one another.”

Effective conflict resolution isn’t about avoiding disagreements but learning to handle them with compassion, respect, and understanding. By fostering open communication and empathy, couples can transform conflicts into opportunities for growth and deeper connection.