Communication Problems

Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, but it’s also one of the most common reasons couples seek therapy. When partners struggle to communicate effectively, they often experience misunderstandings, frustration, and distance. Licensed therapist Dr. John Gottman, known for his work on marital stability, emphasizes the importance of creating a "culture of appreciation." He says, “A lasting marriage results from a couple’s ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship.”

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One of the main culprits in communication breakdowns is what therapist Dr. Sue Johnson calls “demon dialogues,” where couples get stuck in repetitive, unproductive arguments. She advocates for emotionally focused therapy (EFT), which encourages couples to express their vulnerabilities and emotional needs, rather than lashing out or shutting down. Johnson says, “The way out of these negative patterns is to re-establish emotional safety and connection.”

Effective communication strategies in therapy include learning how to actively listen—focusing fully on your partner’s words and reflecting back what you’ve heard to ensure understanding. Couples are also encouraged to use “I statements” to express feelings rather than “you statements,” which can come off as accusatory. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” reframe it as, “I feel unheard when I’m speaking.”

Another key element is learning how to handle conflicts without escalating. Gottman advises couples to “soften your startup,” meaning instead of beginning a conversation with criticism or blame, start gently with respect. He found that the first three minutes of an argument predict its outcome 96% of the time.

In therapy, couples can practice these skills, guided by the therapist, until they become more natural in everyday interactions. Over time, improved communication fosters greater understanding, closeness, and emotional intimacy.