Boredom in the Relationship

Many couples face periods of boredom in their relationship, where they feel stuck in a routine or no longer excited by their time together. This can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction and even thoughts of seeking excitement elsewhere. Therapist Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity, explains that “desire thrives on novelty, but modern relationships often become too comfortable and predictable, which can lead to boredom.”

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In therapy, couples work on rediscovering excitement and novelty in their relationship. One of the first steps is identifying what’s missing. Is it a lack of shared activities, emotional intimacy, or physical excitement? Perel encourages couples to explore “erotic intelligence”—the idea that mystery, surprise, and curiosity can reignite passion. “Couples need to create space for exploration and playfulness,” she notes.

Therapists often guide couples through exercises designed to break the routine and bring back a sense of novelty. This could involve planning new activities together, going on spontaneous dates, or trying new ways to connect emotionally and physically. Dr. John Gottman recommends that couples engage in “fun rituals” that bring joy back into the relationship, whether through shared hobbies, humor, or adventures.

Another important aspect is fostering personal growth within the relationship. Often, boredom arises because one or both partners have stopped pursuing their individual passions or growth. Therapy encourages partners to support each other’s independence, which can bring fresh energy back into the relationship. Perel notes, “When partners grow individually, they become more interesting to each other, reigniting curiosity and desire.”

By addressing boredom with creativity, openness, and a willingness to try new things, couples can revive excitement and build a more dynamic relationship. Therapy offers the tools and support to help couples rediscover what made their relationship exciting in the first place.